Well, I guess we can put away the Christmas music for another year. Let me just say this, they do play songs over and over again until you've had more than enough, but I know that radio stations don't really have a choice. But, there are three guys that should not be singing Christmas songs - ever. There may be more but these are the ones that I heard this year.
- Bruce Springsteen
- Neil Diamond
- Bono
These guys are great for singing sincere, weighty songs about poverty and love gone bad, but lighthearted Christmas songs just aren't their thing. I've never been so scared of Santa Claus in my life! If I was a kid, I think I'd be scared to death that if I pout or cry, Santa Claus will sneak up on me and snap my neck, judging by the way these guys sing. I don't remember who sang what, but I know that no matter which one they sang, they made it sound like the most serious thing that they have ever given thought to!
I didn't know if I was supposed to feel the Christmas spirit, or organize a protest against Jack Frost for nipping at peoples noses. You know, I never thought before about how creepy it would be to think that jolly old St. Nick knew when I was awake, and that he sees me when I'm sleeping. Shit, what else does he watch me doing? Man if Christmas was as serious as they made it sound, it would be the only holiday I dreaded!
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So what do you think Santa does for the next 11+ months now that his big day is over? Here's some possibilities for the next year, I think.
- He takes voice lessons to work on his "Ho Ho Ho" disguised as Chuck Sualcatnas.
- Promoter for the UFC. You try being around those damn happy elves all year without wanting to see some violence.
- Point man for the "Ban Soy Milk" campaign.
- Sends his elves out on "special" missions to the competing toy companies.
- He spends much of the time exploring his "identity" with Hanukkah Harry.
- Research fellow for CERN. Hey, Santa has a brain, he's not all about sleigh bells and magic. And besides, he'd kill to travel at light speed.
- MLB umpire.
- He tries to design a better back support for his sleigh, because after 24 hours, his back is killing him!
- Holds his annual meeting with religious leaders to remind them why people love him so much and them not so much.
- Plays the horses at Pimlico. Shh...don't tell the reindeer.
- Works on a better formula of reindeer feed, because well, you know.
- Sells the formula for Rudolph's red nose to North Korea - nobody knows him over there.
- Goes on "Pimp My Ride", because anyone would get tired of the same old design after that many centuries.
- He spends his weekends getting his drink on, because he knows no matter what, those little bastards will just want more next year.
- He spends millions annually defending himself in court against accusations that he spies on little kids.
- Keeps putting off God by telling him: "Oh yeah, we're sure working on making Christmas more about baby Jesus."
- Searches the world for a better brand of thermal underwear.
- Finally gets around to asking the elves for a sleigh with a roof.
- Constantly reminds the reindeer about the glue factory that the last group of reindeer that complained about his weight are now an "essential ingredient" in.
- Keeps writing his memoirs, which is now up to 840,000 pages. His publisher is getting impatient.
- Constantly prays for the sweet embrace of death.
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